August 8, 2011

Arden Ward
Top Nacho Literary Agency
2880 Broadway
New York, NY 10025

Dear Ms. Ward,

I'm writing to let you know that my latest manuscript still isn't finished. It's a real shame, too, since I have such a great idea for a story. I'm sure it's nothing like the manuscripts you usually read (well, apart from the fact that those manuscripts are finished and mine isn't).

It's not really my fault either. You see, I was kind of tired yesterday so I went to bed early. Then for whatever reason, I didn't wake up early today like I'd promised myself. Tonight I had to work late and then when I got home there was this really good show on television.

I swore to myself when the show was over, I'd get back to the manuscript. But I didn't anticipate that Avatar was going to be on HBO again. I've seen that movie seventeen times now and I don't regret a single one of the forty-six hours I've spent watching it. Well, except for the two and a half I spent tonight on it.

Anyway, at midnight, I sat back down at the computer and opened up my manuscript. There's this one really cool part where the protagonist solves a Rubik's Cube and impresses all her friends. I then began to wonder about puzzles and spent an hour on Wikipedia doing some research. I started on the main Rubik's Cube page but then somehow ended up reading about John Talbot, 3rd Earl of Shrewsbury. I then spent another half hour on YouTube before remembering I was writing a scene about a Rubik's Cube.

I know the finished story is going to be good because I have this great ending pictured in my head. So now all I have to do is fill in about 72,000 words between the Cube scene and the part where the protagonist wins the lottery and saves her family's house. When I get going, I can write about two thousand words an hour, so that means the book could be finished in just a couple weeks. I don't foresee any other problems along the way.

Therefore, please look for my next letter by the end of this month. I'm sure you will enjoy reading --- oh, look! Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan just started! I HAVE to see that again.

Best regards,

Charlie Hills

The first (and only) typewriter ever in my proximity was an old Royal. I have no idea where it came from or how ancient it was; but during high school, I used to pull it out every once in a while to tap out a few words. I remember just having to slam the keys to get any sort of letters to hit the paper. I also remember waiting patiently for white-out to dry before I could give a letter another whack. It's hard to believe how far we've come in such a short amount of time.

But humans never advance so far technologically that they can't look back wistfully on days gone by. And when the wistful look turns into genuine desire to resurrect, well, then gadgets like this are bound to be invented:

I can't explain why I suddenly want one. Click here to purchase one for me. Christmas is only a few months away.

With rare, rare exceptions, publishers do not deal directly with authors. It's simply not possible for them to do so, what with one hundred million prospective authors out there and only the teeniest fraction of them worth talking to. No, the job of wading through the masses falls on the literary agent: that tireless go-between responsible for bridging the gap between the writer and the publisher.

When a writer finishes his or her work, it is time to contact a literary agent. Now, if you've been through this before, just use the agent you used last time. That always works unless one of you did some serious bridge-burning during your last deal. But if you're brand new (or burned some bridges) then you need to find a new agent. And that's where the query letter comes in.

The purpose of the query letter is simple: you are asking an agent to look at your drivel masterpiece. The well-formed query letter tells the agent who you are, what credentials you have, why you believe the the book is good, and (most importantly) what the book is about. It's a sales pitch. In a nutshell, "Hey, look at me! I'm worth looking at! Here's why!" The well-formed query letter is professional, clear, concise, and doesn't cause the agent to post it on the web as a shining example of what NOT to do.

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